full circle

I wasn't sure whether I was going to post this or not, but I've been writing it down for a year.. it's the definition of oversharing, but I wanted to get it all down for Natasha to know how she came into the world - on her own schedule, and utterly perfect. Some of the details are fading, but some are just as clear as that day a year ago..

This is the story of the day Natasha arrived:

My parents came to visit the weekend of my baby shower. The day before the shower we went shopping for their gift to us - a combo dresser changing table (one of 2 pieces of furniture in the tiny nursery. The other was a crib our friends gave us when their youngest daughter graduated to a big girl bed)

The fabric lining the holey walls and stained ceiling had been complete for a couple weeks, and the rug (to cover the scrubbed and scrubbed but still gross floor) had arrived days before. After the dresser was put in place we installed the pretty princess light (an interesting hour for an overly independent daughter, a dad who always fixed everything and a mom who just wants to help), and then headed out back to prepare the patio for the boys' bbq that would spare Dan from the baby shower.

As I put the straws in a cup I felt like I'd had a little accident (unfortunately, not too uncommon towards the end of pregnancy), so I went to the bathroom to clean up. I'd no sooner walked out of the bathroom than I felt more. Enough to require a change of pants. I had an inkling of what was going on, but it was WAY too early and I was still WAY too small for it to be that. My parents had just left to pick up my sister-in-law, who had flown out as a surprise, so I grabbed the phone and called my doctor. After leaving a message for her (this was a Saturday late afternoon) I did a quick internet search that did nothing to assuage my suspicion, and then headed outside to tell Dan that I was pretty sure my water had just broken

While we waited for my doctor to call, I called my friend Shannon, mother of 2 perfect home birthed boys, to get her opinion, and a little calmness in a very short conversation because my doctor called very quickly. She asked a few questions and I asked her if there was ANYthing else it could be. She very calmly told me to go pack a bag and drive to the hospital where I would remain until our baby was born

This is a good time to note that I'd been very upset that the birthing center at the local Alameda hospital had closed down only a couple years prior, which also led to a dirth of childbirth classes in town. It wouldn't have mattered though, because at 33 weeks I would've been sent to Berkeley anyway, because Alta Bates has one of the best neonatal units in the country

As we approached the car my parents were just pulling up to the house. I said hi to my sister-in-law and in my calmest voice told them that everything was fine, and that I was pretty sure I was in labor, and here's the hospital address where we're headed

We'd never been to the hospital (our tour was scheduled for the following weekend with our first class!), so we were more than a little frantic in navigating our way up to the labor and delivery floor. Plus, with each step I lost a little more fluid which was scaring me

Once we reached the L&D ward things calmed down because we were surrounded by people who knew what they were doing. Thankfully, they'd received the pre-registration I'd sent in, so they had everything they needed to get us into triage very quickly. This part gets a little fuzzy.. I gave a urine sample and had some blood drawn, it was confirmed to be amniotic fluid and I had an IV put in -all in the span of about 15 minutes. I was given a shot of steroid to try to quickly mature the baby's lungs and some antibiotics through the IV (the biggest risk to the baby if birth doesn't quickly follow the rupture of the membranes is infection) . The nurse was great and explained everything to us and tried to keep us calm. We were pretty quickly moved into an official labor and delivery room where I was hooked up to all kinds of machines to monitor the baby and me. At this point the family was able to come in and alerts were sent out to friends that the shower would have to wait because the baby was coming!

Eventually, it was determined that nothing was going to happen that night, so the family headed back to the hotel and we tried to get some sleep. Hah! They checked my blood pressure and the printout of the baby's activity every half hour for awhile. They were worried about how high my blood pressure was until Dan climbed into the bed with me, then it went back to normal. The nurse just smiled and said to go ahead and do whatever we were doing because it was working ;). She also tried to turn down the volume on the fetal heart monitor so we could sleep, but we made her turn it back up. We needed to hear Natasha's heart beating good and strong. If I moved to try to get comfortable and the sound faded we both were super-anxious until I got the monitor back in the right spot and that beautiful sound came back.

In the morning, the doctor I'd been transferred to came in (I was so early my OB didn't feel comfortable). He was the head of the neonatal unit and was almost blase about how early it was. He had so much experience with even younger babies being just fine ("the 20 week old down the hall is doing great -33 weeks is practically full term") that we started realizing things were maybe not so bad. It was determined that I was stabilized, and nothing was happening that day, so I was moved to the "Hilton" wing to wait out the next several days before I'd give birth.
So with the doctors and hospital staff's blessing my friends did what they're good at and took over the wing and made a shower happen in the room. It was awesome. Every so often I'd glaze over with a contraction, but I was surrounded by close friends and family and had a really lovely day.

After everyone left I took a shower and we prepared to settle in for the night. My parents stopped by to say goodbye and that they were going to head home in the morning since everything was stable, and planned to come back in a few days

I was given the 2nd of the steroid shots, which we were all really happy to have happen, and had all the baby's readings checked. I remember asking the nurse if the contractions looked any different, because they seemed like they were a little stronger. No noticeable difference in the readings.

About an hour after that there was no question anymore. The contractions were stronger and they were coming more frequently. The nurse came back and checked and sure enough, I'd started dilating! She sent the doc in who agreed, though thought it was still going to be about a day before anything happened. When he left the nurse told us the baby was coming and to pack up because she was moving us back to labor and delivery asap.
So we grabbed everything and headed back, calling my folks on the way to tell them, essentially, "game on."

Pretty soon after this point I started understanding all the screaming and swearing from women in labor on TV. And not too long after that I started asking the nurse to talk to me about drugs. Mind you, the only part of the birth plan I had left was trying to do it without drugs.. But at the rate and scale it was getting worse I didn't think I was going to be able to take it. I knew from my reading that changing positions would help the pain, and that flat on my back was typically actually the most painful position, but I couldn't think of any other positions! This is where a doula, or at least having actually HAD the birthing class, would've come in handy

So, there's a narcotic that doesn't affect the baby, but it wears off relatively fast and is less effective with each dose. We decided we'd start with that and talk epidurals if it didn't do the trick. It made the contractions bearable for about 20 minutes. The next shot helped for about 10. The nurse tried to convince me that I was through the worst of it (which, not having a baby in my arms I didn't believe), but it didn't matter because there wasn't enough time for an epidural anyway

At about this time the room became a flurry of people and activity. My parents were sent to the waiting room and a host of nurses came in and prepared everything for a delivery. At some point I had a nurse at each leg, Dan squeezing my hand, and they were telling me to push. I knew I wasn't doing it quite right, and asked for some recommendations on how to do it. The nurse told me to do what came naturally. That my body knew what to do. We went back and forth like that for awhile, till I screamed that my body had no idea what to do and that I'd really appreciate some specific suggestions. About then Natasha got her head out and, and though it seemed impossible at the time, a few more pushes brought her the rest of the way into the world. Dan cut the umbilical cord (apparently, it's pretty tough stuff), the head nurse gave her a once over, and then we heard the most beautiful sound we'd ever heard - Natasha screaming at the top of her (perfectly functioning) little lungs.

And then, according to the nurse, it was time for the "easy part," delivering the placenta. I pushed and pushed to no avail, and the nurse decided reaching in to try to grab it would do the trick. I remember the screaming from my side, but Dan had to fill me in on the rest of the nurses turning green as she tried a few times to dislodge the placenta from the uterine wall. It turned out the placenta really planned to be there for another 2 months, so it was determined I'd be taken down to the OR to have it removed.

I got to hold Natasha for a few minutes before she and Dan headed off to the NICU to get checked out more thoroughly. I actually have no recollection of this at all. It wasn't until months later, when I told Dan how sad I was not to have had the chance to hold her in those first few minutes, that he assured me I had. I didn't really believe him until he dug up a picture of just that! (Now I'm sad that I don't remember, but that's much easier to deal with)

On the way to the OR I had some more paperwork to sign, like I was in any state to give thoughtful review of anything, and then was prepped pretty fast. The anesthesia took like 2 seconds to knock me out, and the next thing I remember was it taking a really long time to come out of it, moving in and out of consciousness.

Eventually, I was awake enough that I could be taken to see Natasha. I was not, apparently, awake or stable enough to be moved to a wheelchair, because they wheeled the whole bed up the elevator and into the NICU (which, judging by the number of times we knocked into walls and other things, I don't think they do very often). But finally, there she was, tiny and breathing and hooked up to lots of monitors and an IV in an isolette. The bed got cranked up to near sitting so I could see her and touch her, and Dan told me what each of the areas on the monitor was about

The next couple days were a blur of trying to get a little sleep, starting to pump so Natasha could have some milk, and spending every other second up in the NICU. We'd been moved to a different, more hospital-y floor, where they brought Dan a proper cot to sleep on (and stopped bringing him food). We had special bracelets to flash the security guards, and we knew the drill.. Dan packed me in a wheelchair, we headed up to the NICU, stopped to wash our hands, then in to see Natasha. After a day or so one of the nurse asked me why I was still in a wheelchair.. No particular reason, it just hadn't occurred to either of us to get up there any other way. So we started walking slowly down our usual path to see our daughter. After one more day they kicked Dan and I out, and we went home to a surreally normal house. We had burritos from the place around the corner, and turned in for a quiet night. And in the morning, back to the hospital. and on..

And now we're back to the beginning..
Looking back over the last year I'm so glad we have these pictures and details of Natasha's first year, and I'll try to keep it up over the next 17.. I promised it would have her first ice cream cone and first date, so I've got at least a few years to go.